Emergency Questions: 1001 conversation-savers for any situation

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Many years later it was damaged during student house party hi-jinks and subsequently discarded, to the dismay of Beatle completists everywhere.

If you didn’t have to have sex with Zippy, Bungle, George, Geoffrey, or Rod, but not Jane or Freddy, who would now be asleep, but they said they were up for it if you fancied it, but not an orgy situation, it would have to be one-on-one, would you have sex with one of them, and which one? Do you ever worry you’re a character in a computer game, operated by some bored teenaged alien, who’s deliberately making loads of shit happen to see what you’ll do, like you’re nothing more than an ant under a microscope, and soon he will be bored and have you killed in a ridiculous way? As a youngster I was made to go and see the Queen drive past after she opened the Liverpool International Garden Festival. Would you rather have a hand made out of ham, an armpit that dispensed sun cream, or a tit that dispensed talcum powder?When I did a marathon rewatch of the whole of This Life – you can find highlights from my observations on that here – I intentionally omitted This Life + 10 as I hate it that much.

Ben Evans: Can you talk about that thing you did where you were singing with a bunch of other people and some people gave you money? Would you rather co-own a car with Jimmy Carr, a lorry with Laurie Anderson, or a van with Van Morrison?People are going to get mightily fed up with stuff suddenly disappearing and being expected to pay for it twice. What’s the worst thing that’s been drunkenly shouted at you by a friend or relative on Christmas Day? What would you rather find at the end of the universe: Candy Land or Pink, Purple, and Pinky-Purple Land? For the benefit of anyone who doesn’t know about this, there are essentially two types of harmonica.

What was the worst thing that a relative bought you something for Christmas that wasn’t quite what you wanted but you had to pretend to like it anyway? Do you ever wonder if secretly you’re a prince or princess and that you’ll one day take your rightful place on the throne? If you had to have sex with a TV or film snowman or woman, if you had to, which famous snowman or woman would you have sex with and how would you guard against genital frostbite? If your genitals had to turn into a sea creature for one day every month, but you could choose the sea creature they turned into, what sea creature would you like that to be?Elis James: What sort of problems did you encounter being the slightly more chilled-out one in a double act? If you were Adam Sandler, how would you even begin to spend the millions you made from appearing in The Cobbler? Medieval pretenders to the throne Perkin Warbeck and Lambert Simnel, whom I have always found unaccountably amusing. Sometimes the answers have been revealing – notably the unexpected response to ‘what’s it like being Stephen Fry?

Ben Evans: Archie Vandervlett: Are you excited to know there is going to be a better Godzilla film than the one you were in? Artificial Intelligence: If a monkey had a magic wand and the ability to cast spells, could they use if to create a portal to a parallel dimension that they would then be able to control the inhabitants of that dimension, or would they be subject to the magical creatures of that said dimension. and when I said I wasn’t answering as that wasn’t anything to do with what I had said he blocked me. Then of course there’s the music itself, performed in the sort of synth tones that already sounded dated by 1979 (including a textbook Tin Can Orchestral Sweep, and if you don’t know what that is, you can find out more about that and other Great Lost Synth Sounds Of The Eighties here), with an air of realistic resignation that somehow pushes it right round past the edge of dreadfulness into anthemic again. Actually someone on Twitter did try to snitch on me to Richard once for ‘stealing’ his clearly labelled and acknowledged idea and the results were entertaining to say the least.Over and above anyone else, Boris Johnson for that ‘best way to honour Jo Cox is deliver Brexit’ remark. The main reason I’m mentioning this here is because whenever I refer to Top Cat as ‘Boss Cat’ even as an obvious joke, I get inundated with replies ‘explaining’ this backstory to me, even on occasions when I have clearly referenced the explanation myself. Robert Pershing Wadlow was an incredibly tall American who briefly became a celebrity in the 1930s purely on account of his height. Would you rather your anus was replaced by a cat’s anus, or your public hair was replaced by a cat’s whiskers?